Friday, 31 July 2026

The Valley of Spiders by H.G. Wells - Pearson's Magazine March 1903.

Towards mid-day the three pursuers came abruptly round a bend in the torrent bed upon the sight of a very broad and spacious valley. The difficult and winding trench of pebbles along which they had tracked the fugitives for so long, expanded to a broad talus slope, and with a common impulse the three men left the trail, and rode to a little eminence set with olive dun trees, and there halted, the two others, as became them, a little behind the man with the silver studded bridle. 

For a space they scanned the great expanse below them with eager eyes. It spread remoter and remoter, with only a few clusters of sere thorn bushes here and there, and the dim suggestions of some now waterless ravine to break its desolation of yellow grass. Its purple distances melted at last into the bluish slopes of the further hills - hills it might be of a greener kind - and above them invisibly supported, and seeming indeed to hang in the blue, were the snowclad summits of mountains - that grew larger and bolder to the north-westward as the sides of the valley drew together. And westward the valley opened until a distant darkness under the sky told where the forests began. But the three men looked neither east nor west, but only steadfastly across the valley. 

The gaunt man with the scarred lip was the first to speak. “Nowhere,” he said, with a sigh of disappointment in his voice. “But after all, they had a full day’s start.” 

“They don’t know we are after them,” said the little man on the white horse. 

She would know,” said the leader bitterly, as if speaking to himself. “Even then they can’t go fast. They’ve got no beast but the mule, and all to-day the girl’s foot has been bleeding --”

The man with the silver bridle flashed a quick intensity of rage on him. “Do you think I haven’t seen that?” he snarled. 

“It helps, anyhow,” whispered the little man to himself. 

The gaunt man with the scarred lip stared impassively. “They can’t be over the valley,” he said. “If we ride hard ---” 

He glanced at the white horse and paused. “Curse all white horses!” said the man with the silver bridle, and turned to scan the beast his curse included. 

The little man looked down between the melancholy ears of his steed. 

“I did my best,” he said. The two others stared again across the valley for a space. The gaunt man passed the back of his hand across the scarred lip. 

“Come up!” said the man who owned the silver bridle suddenly. The little man started and jerked his rein, and the horse hoofs of the three made a multitudinous faint pattering upon the withered grass as they turned back towards the trail..... 

They rode cautiously down the long slope before them, and so came through a waste of prickly twisted bushes and strange dry shapes of horny branches that grew amongst the rocks, into the levels below. And there the trail grew faint, for the soil was scanty, and the only herbage was this scorched dead straw that lay upon the ground. Still, by hard scanning, by leaning beside the horse's necks and pausing ever and again, even these white men could contrive to follow after their prey. 

There were trodden places, bent and broken blades of the coarse grass, and ever and again the sufficient intimation of a footmark. And once the leader saw a brown smear of blood where the half-caste girl may have trod. And at that under his breath he cursed her for a fool.

The gaunt man checked his leader’s tracking, and the little man on the white horse rode behind, a man lost in a dream. They rode one after another, the man with the silver bridle led the way, and they spoke never a word. After a time it came to the little man on the white horse that the world was very still. He started out of his dream. Besides the little noises of their horses and equipment, the whole great valley kept the brooding quiet of a painted scene.

Before him went his master and his fellow, each intently leaning forward to the left, each impassively moving with the paces of his horse; their shadows went before them, still, noiseless, tapering attendants, and nearer a crouched cool shape was his own. He looked about him. What was it had gone? Then he remembered the reverberation from the banks of the gorge and the perpetual accompaniment of shifting, jostling pebbles. And, moreover --? There was no breeze. That was it! What a vast, still place it was, a monotonous afternoon slumber. And the sky open and blank, except for a sombre veil of haze that had gathered in the upper valley.

He straightened his back, fretted with his bridle, puckered his lips to whistle, and simply sighed. He turned in his saddle for a time, and stared at the throat of the mountain gorge out of which they had come. Blank! Blank slopes on either side, with never a sign of a decent beast or tree - much less a man. What a land it was! What a wilderness! He dropped again into his former pose. 

It filled him with a momentary pleasure to see a wry stick of purple black flash out into the form of a snake, and vanish amidst the brown. After all, the infernal valley was alive. And then, to rejoice him still more, came a little breath across his face, a whisper that came and went, the faintest inclination of a stiff black-antlered bush upon a little crest, the first intimations of a possible breeze. Idly he wetted his finger, and held it up. 

He pulled up sharply to avoid a collision with the gaunt man, who had stopped at fault upon the trail. Just at that guilty moment he caught his master’s eye looking towards him. 

For a time he forced an interest in the tracking. Then, as they rode on again, he studied his master’s shadow and hat and shoulder, appearing and disappearing behind the gaunt man’s nearer contours. They had ridden four days out of the very limits of the world into this desolate place, short of water, with nothing but a strip of dried meat under their saddles, over rocks and mountains, where surely none but these fugitives had ever been before -- for that!

And all this was for a girl, a mere wilful child! And the man had whole cityfuls of people to do his basest bidding - girls, women! Why in the name of passionate folly this one in particular? asked the little man, and scowled at the world, and licked his parched lips with a blackened tongue. It was the way of the master, and that was all he knew. Just because she sought to evade him..... 

His eye caught a whole row of high plumed canes bending in unison, and then the tails of silk that hung before his neck flapped and fell. The breeze was growing stronger. Somehow it took the stiff stillness out of things -- and that was well. 

“Hullo!” said the gaunt man. 

All three stopped abruptly. 

“What?” asked the master. “What?” 

“Over there,” said the gaunt man, pointing up the valley. 

“What?”

“Something coming towards us.” 

And as he spoke a yellow animal crested a rise and came bearing down upon them. It was a big wild dog, coming before the wind, tongue out, at a steady pace, and running with such an intensity of purpose that he did not seem to see the horsemen he approached. He ran with his nose up, following, it was plain, neither scent nor quarry. As he drew nearer the little man felt for his sword. “He’s mad,” said the gaunt rider. 

“Shout!” said the little man, and shouted. The dog came on. Then when the little man’s blade was already out, it swerved aside and went panting by them and past. The eyes of the little man followed its flight. “There was no foam,” he said. For a space the man with the silver-studded bridle stared up the valley. “Oh, come on!” he cried at last. “What does it matter?” and jerked his horse into movement again. 

The little man left the insoluble mystery of a dog that fled from nothing but the wind, and lapsed into profound musings on human character. “Come on!” he whispered to himself. “Why should it be given to one man to say ‘Come on!’ with that stupendous violence of effect. Always, all his life, the man with the silver bridle has been saying that. If I said it -- !” thought the little man. But people marvelled when the master was disobeyed even in the wildest things. This half-caste girl seemed to him, seemed to every one, mad -- blasphemous almost. The little man, by way of comparison, reflected on the gaunt rider with the scarred lip, as stalwart as his master, as brave and, indeed perhaps braver, and yet for him there was obedience, nothing but to give obedience duly and stoutly..... 

Certain sensations of the hands and knees called the little man back to more immediate things. He became aware of something. He rode up beside his gaunt fellow. “Do you notice the horses?” he said in an undertone. 

The gaunt face looked interrogation. 

“They don’t like this wind,” said the little man, and dropped behind as the man with the silver bridle turned upon him. 

“It’s all right,” said the gaunt-faced man. They rode on again for a space in silence. The foremost two rode downcast upon the trail, the hindmost man watched the haze that crept down the vastness of the valley, nearer and nearer, and noted how the wind grew in strength moment by moment. Far away on the left he saw a line of dark bulks -- wild hog perhaps, galloping down the valley, but of that he said nothing, nor did he remark again upon the uneasiness of the horses.

And then he saw first one and then a second great white ball, a great shining white ball like a gigantic head of thistledown, that drove before the wind athwart the path. These balls soared high in the air, and dropped and rose again and caught for a moment, and hurried on and passed, but at the sight of them the restlessness of the horses increased. 

Then presently he saw that more of these drifting globes -- and then soon very many more -- were hurrying towards him down the valley. 

They became aware of a squealing. Athwart the path a huge boar rushed, turning his head but for one instant to glance at them, and then hurling on down the valley again. And at that, all three stopped and sat in their saddles, staring into the thickening haze that was coming upon them. 

“If it were not for this thistledown --” began the leader. 

But now a big globe came drifting past within a score of yards of them. It was really not an even sphere at all, but a vast, soft, ragged, filmy thing, a sheet gathered by the corners, an aerial jelly-fish, as it were, but rolling over and over as it advanced, and trailing long, cobwebby threads and streamers that floated in its wake. 

“It isn’t thistledown,” said the little man. 

“I don’t like the stuff,” said the gaunt man. 

And they looked at one another. 

“Curse it!” cried the leader. “The air’s full of it up there. If it keeps on at this pace long, it will stop us altogether.” 

An instinctive feeling, such as lines out a herd of deer at the approach of some ambiguous thing, prompted them to turn their horses to the wind, ride forward for a few paces, and stare at that advancing multitude of floating masses. They came on before the wind with a sort of smooth swiftness, rising and falling noiselessly, sinking to earth, rebounding high, soaring -- all with a perfect unanimity, with a still deliberate assurance. 

Right and left of the horsemen the pioneers of this strange army passed. At one that rolled along the ground, breaking shapelessly and trailing out reluctantly into long grappling ribbons and bands, all three horses began to shy and dance. The master was seized with a sudden unreasonable impatience. He cursed the drifting globes roundly. “Get on!” he cried; “Get on! What do these things matter? How can they matter? Back to the trail!” He fell swearing at his horse and sawed the bit across its mouth.

He shouted aloud with rage. “I will follow that trail, I tell you!” he cried. “Where is the trail?” 

He gripped the bridle of his prancing horse and searched amidst the grass. A long and clinging thread fell across his face, a grey streamer dropped about his bridle arm, some big, active thing with many legs ran down the back of his head. He looked up to discover one of those grey masses anchored as it were above him by these things and flapping out ends as a sail flaps when a boat comes, about -- but noiselessly. 

He had an impression of many eyes, of a dense crew of squat bodies, of long, many jointed limbs hauling at their mooring ropes to bring the thing down upon him. For a space he stared up, reining in his prancing horse with the instinct born of years of horsemanship. Then the flat of a sword smote his back, and a blade flashed overhead and cut the drifting balloon of spider-web free, and the whole mass lifted softly and drove clear and away. 

“Spiders!” cried the voice of the gaunt man. “The things are full of big spiders! Look, my lord!”

 The man with the silver bridle still followed the mass that drove away. 

“Look, my lord!” 

The master found himself staring down at a red, smashed thing on the ground that, in spite of partial obliteration, could still wriggle unavailing legs. Then when the gaunt man pointed to another mass that bore down upon them, he drew his sword hastily. Up the valley now it was like a fog bank torn to rags. He tried to grasp the situation. 

“Ride for it!” the little man was shouting. “Ride for it down the valley.” 

What happened then was like the confusion of a battle. The man with the silver bridle saw the little man go past him slashing furiously at imaginary cobwebs, saw him cannon into the horse of the gaunt man and hurl it and its rider to earth. His own horse went a dozen paces before he could rein it in. Then he looked up to avoid imaginary dangers, and then back again to see a horse rolling on the ground, the gaunt man standing and slashing over it at a rent and fluttering mass of grey that streamed and wrapped about them both. And thick and fast as thistledown on waste land on a windy day in July, the cobweb masses were coming on. 

The little man had dismounted, but he dared not release his horse. He was endeavouring to lug the struggling brute back with the strength of one arm, while with the other he slashed aimlessly, The tentacles of a second grey mass had entangled themselves with the struggle,and this second grey mass came to its moorings, and slowly sank. 

The master set his teeth, gripped his bridle, lowered his head, and spurred his horse forward. The horse on the ground rolled over, there were blood and moving shapes upon the flanks, and the gaunt man, suddenly leaving it, ran forward towards his master, perhaps ten paces. His legs were swathed and encumbered with grey, he made ineffectual movements with his sword. Grey streamers waved from him; there was a thin veil of grey across his face. With his left hand he beat at something on his body, and suddenly he stumbled and fell. He struggled to rise, and fell again, and suddenly, horribly, began to howl, “Oh -- ohoo, ohooh!” 

The master could see the great spiders upon him, and others upon the ground. 

As he strove to force his horse nearer to this gesticulating, screaming grey object that struggled up and down, there came a clatter of hoofs, and the little man, in act of mounting, swordless, balanced on his belly athwart the white horse, and clutching its mane, whirled past. And again a clinging thread of grey gossamer swept across the master’s face. All about him, and over him, it seemed this drifting, noiseless cobweb circled and blew.

* * * * * * * * * *

To the day of his death he never knew just how the event of that moment happened. Did he, indeed, turn his horse, or did it really of its own accord stampede after its fellow? Suffice it that in another second he was galloping full tilt down the valley with his sword whirling furiously overhead. And all about him on the quickening breeze, the spiders’ airships, their air bundles and air sheets, seemed to him to hurry in a conscious pursuit. 

Clatter, clatter, thud, thud -- the man with the silver bridle rode, heedless of his direction, with his fearful face looking up now right, now left, and his sword arm ready to slash. And a few hundred yards ahead of him, with a tail of torn cobweb trailing behind him, rode the little man on the white horse, still but imperfectly in the saddle. The reeds bent before them, the wind blew fresh and strong, over his shoulder the master could see the webs hurrying to overtake.

* * * * * * * * * *

He was so intent to escape the spiders’ webs that only as his horse gathered together for a leap did he realise the ravine ahead. And then he realised it only to misunderstand and interfere. He was leaning forward on his horse’s neck and sat up and back all too late. 

But if in his excitement he had failed to leap, at any rate he had not forgotten how to fall. He was horseman again in mid-air. He came off clear with a mere bruise upon his shoulder, and his horse rolled, kicking spasmodic legs, and lay still. But the master’s sword drove its point into the hard soil, and snapped clean across, as though Chance refused him any longer as her Knight, and the splintered end missed his face by an inch or so.

He was on his feet in a moment, breathlessly scanning the onrushing spider webs. For a moment he was minded to run, and then thought of the ravine, and turned back. He ran aside once to dodge one drifting terror, and then he was swiftly clambering down the precipitous sides, and out of the touch of the gale. 

And there under the lee of the dry torrent’s steeper banks, he might crouch, and watch these strange, grey masses pass and pass in safety till the wind fell, and it became possible to escape. And there for a long time he crouched, watching the strange, grey, ragged masses trail their streamers across his narrowed sky. 

And once a stray spider fell into the ravine close beside him -- a full foot it measured from leg to leg, and its body was half a man’s hand -- and after he had watched its monstrous alacrity of search and escape for a little while, and tempted it to bite his broken sword, he lifted up his iron heeled boot and smashed it into a pulp. He swore as he did so, and for a time sought up and down for another. 

Then, presently, when he was surer these spider swarms could not drop into the ravine, he found a place where he could sit down, and sat and fell into deep thought and began after his manner to gnaw his knuckles and bite his nails. And from this he was moved by the coming of the man with the white horse. 

He heard him long before he saw him, as a clattering of hoofs, stumbling footsteps, and a reassuring voice. Then the little man appeared, a rueful figure, still with a tail of white cobweb trailing behind him. They approached each other without speaking, without a salutation. The little man was fatigued and shamed to the pitch of hopeless bitterness, and came to a stop at last, face to face with his seated master. The latter winced a little under his dependant’s eye. “Well?” he said at last, with no pretence of authority. 

“You left him?” 

“My horse bolted.” 

“I know. So did mine.” 

He laughed at his master mirthlessly. “I say my horse bolted,” said the man who once had a silver-studded bridle. 

“Cowards both,” said the little man. 

The other gnawed his knuckle through some meditative moments, with his eye on his inferior.

 “Don’t call me a coward,” he said at length. 

“You are a coward like myself.” 

“A coward possibly. There is a limit beyond which every man must fear. That I have learnt at last. But not like yourself. That is where the difference comes in.” 

“I never could have dreamt you would have left him. He saved your life two minutes before...Why are you our lord?” 

The master gnawed his knuckles again, and his countenance was dark. 

“No man calls me a coward,” he said. “No. A broken sword is better than none.....One spavined white horse cannot be expected to carry two men a four days’ journey. I hate white horses, but this time it cannot be helped. You begin to understand me?.......I perceive that you are minded, on the strength of what you have seen and fancy, to taint my reputation. It is men of your sort who unmake kings. Besides which -- I never liked you.” 

“My lord!” said the little man. 

“No,” said the master. “No!” 

He stood up sharply as the little man moved. For a minute perhaps they faced one another. Overhead the spiders’ balls went driving. There was a quick movement among the pebbles; a running of feet, a cry of despair, a gasp and a blow.....

Towards nightfall the wind fell. The sun set in a calm serenity, and the man who had once possessed the silver bridle came at last very cautiously and by an easy slope out of the ravine again; but now he led the white horse that once belonged to the little man. He would have gone back to his horse to get his silver-mounted bridle again, but he feared night and a quickening breeze might still find him in the valley, and besides he disliked greatly to think he might discover his horse all swathed in cobwebs and perhaps unpleasantly eaten. 

And as he thought of those cobwebs and of all the dangers he had been through, and the manner in which he had been preserved that day, his hand sought a little reliquary that hung about his neck, and he clasped it for a moment with heartfelt gratitude. As he did so his eyes went across the valley. 

“I was hot with passion,” he said, “and now she has met her reward. They also, no doubt --”

And behold! Far away out of the wooded slopes across the valley, but in the clearness of the sunset distinct and unmistakable, he saw a little spire of smoke. 

At that his expression of serene resignation changed to an amazed anger. Smoke?  He turned the head of the white horse about, and hesitated. And as he did so a little rustle of air went through the grass about him. Far away upon some reeds swayed a tattered sheet of grey. He looked at the cobwebs; he looked at the smoke. 

“Perhaps, after all, it is not them,” he said at last. 

But he knew better. 

After he had stared at the smoke for some time, he mounted the white horse. 

As he rode, he picked his way amidst stranded masses of web. For some reason there were many dead spiders on the ground, and those that lived feasted guiltily on their fellows. At the sound of his horse’s hoofs they fled. 

Their time had passed. From the ground without either a wind to carry them or a winding sheet ready, these things, for all their poison, could do him little evil. 

He flicked with his belt at those he fancied came too near. Once, where a number ran together over a bare place, he was minded to dismount and trample them with his boots, but this impulse he overcame. Ever and again he turned in his saddle, and looked back at the smoke.

“Spiders,” he muttered over and over again. “Spiders! Well, well.....The next time I will spin a web.”

Herbert George Wells.

Friday, 24 July 2026

British Gangsters, The Getaway Man - A Weekly Dispatch Report from 1939.

This is the final report on the seedy side of pre war London by John Worby in the Weekly Dispatch.

One night I found myself outside a cafe on the main North Road. I went in to scrounge a cup of tea, and as I was telling the tale - that I had had no food for a couple of days - a man walked over to me and said "Did I hear you say that you were hungry?"

He turned to the chap behind the counter and said: "Give him a cup of tea and eggs and bacon." Then he asked me to sit at his table. He was a smart looking man of about thirty. But his eyes were very shifty and he seemed to be ill at ease as he talked to me. He kept looking out at his car through the window - a flash looking car.

Suddenly he asked me if I could drive.

"Anything." I answered.

"Maybe I can use you," he said. "Better come back with me to London."

Questioned.

After we had gone some distance he asked me if I'd ever done 'time.' I immediately replied "No."

Then he said: "Well, how do you get your living?"

"By my wits," I replied.

"That's just what I thought," he exclaimed. "How would you like to make yourself some real money?"

I told him that I didn't mind making some real money so long as there is no blood spilt.

"You needn't worry about that," he said. "There's no slugging to be done in my job. All you've got to do is to be a good driver."

Suddenly he pulled over in to the side of the road and made me take the wheel. I accelerated quickly and shot into top gear, missing the second gate. The car leaped from underneath us. I thought there was something peculiar about the car as the steering was beautiful and the car was very easy to handle. It was more than an ordinary car of its make and the purr of its engine reminded me of an aeroplane - heavily muffled.

I wished to impress the man and accordingly took every corner very shortly and as near to the edge as possible. On several occasions I felt the rear of the car skid round, but with the skidding I decreased my speed and then opened up wide as soon as I got on the straight.

At last I felt the man was getting rather nervous. He put his hand gently on my arm and said: "You'd better pull up."

"You're just the boy for my job," was his summing up.

"Gadgets"

Then he added: "Now I'll get you in on the racket, and chance the consequences. This drag (car) you're in belongs to me and the boys. We're on a hot racket in town and can get away with plenty. Only we want a good driver, somebody who can get in and out of the crowd and leave 'em standing."

"What's the racker, then?" I asked.

"We do smash and grabs, but it's all done to time," he replied. "I'm the brains of the gang and we split what we get. You'll be the driver in the next raid. Have you noticed anything about this drag?"

"It's no ordinary engine you've got under the bonnet," I replied.

"Clever boy!" he remarked rather sarcastically. "How did you guess it?"

He then told me that if I felt underneath the dashboard I'd find two wires which, when pulled, tilted the licence plate so that the numbers could not be read. He pointed to a pedal beside the self starter and told me to press it with my foot. I did so and the four doors of the car flew open.

"Now," he said, "if you pull on the hand break the doors will shut."

He then showed me the other little gadgets in the car. By pressing a button the blinds of the car would go down. There was a sliding panel in the floor and another in the back of the car, all worked by buttons. He lifted up the seat and showed me a dozen different licence plates to be used when the car was being trailed. The driver had to put on enough speed to get clear of the trailing car in order to do the trick of changing the plates without detection.

*****************************

We arrived in the East End of London and pulled up in a deserted street in a very slummy district. He tooted a special signal on the horn and a few seconds later a man came running to the side of the car. My companion grunted a quick word of command and then said to me; "come on!"

I followed into what appeared to be a deserted building. As we climbed in the dark up some wooden stairs my companion gave a whistling signal; a faint reply was heard from above. We went up three of four flights of stairs and at last I saw a thin faint beam of light coming from under a door. My companion knocked in a certain way on the door, and he received a similar reply. To this he tapped again and the door was opened.

We entered the room and I stood for a moment under the glare of a dozen gangsters. "It's all right boys," said my companion. "Another member." They grunted and asked where I had come from. My companion, or "The Brains" as they called him, replied: "He's got no come from. He's just here, and that's good enough for any of you!"

While this talk went on I gazed around the room. The windows were heavily draped with sacking. The table was a big sugar crate, on which was a piece of coarse cloth. About the room stood battered and broken cigarette machines, old safes, gas meters, silver cups, furs, oil paintings, bales of clothes and silks, and all sorts of loot.

Inside a large broken safe was a small smelting pot, beside which lay a lump of molten gold and a larger mould of silver. As I sat down on a box I listened to the discussion of the gang's next raid - a pawnbrokers shop.

The Brains confided to the men that I was a good driver and just the right man for them. The raid was to take place in the small hours of the morning. A man read out the times when the slops on their beat passed the "job." There were about five minutes to spare in which to do everything and they all agreed that this was ample time.

Presently two flashy dressed young women came in. They flaunted across the room and smiled. Nobody greeted them. Then without saying a word they sat down on a box at the far end of the room and the men carried on talking as if the women weren't there.

The "Split"

At last the Brains said; "Will you have the split now or will you have it tomorrow?"

There was no answer. Nobody seemed in any need of money. "Well," he said. "I'll give it to you now." And pulling out a role of notes from inside his waistcoat he handed them round to everybody in the room. He gave me one pound, saying; "You'll come in on the next split."

Then he beckoned to the two girls sitting in the far corner and we four left the room, while the rest of the crooks were still huddled together mumbling in a low drone.

The Brains took the wheel of the car and I sat in front beside him as we started off. It seems to me very strange that the women had never said one word since I set eyes on them. All they had done was to smile, till at last I thought they were dumb. But as we came to the busier part of London with lights and shops that were shut, the Brains turned and said; "That's the spot I want you to take Nell."

"OK!" she replied in a tough way.

Farther on the Brains said to me; "That's the job," and he pointed to a pawnshop. "You'll pull up over there and the Boys will do the rest. As soon as the Boys get the stuff in the drag, you drive away as fast as you can where the Boys tell you and the job will be a piece of cake."

Then driving on a bit farther he turned to the other girl and said; "There's your pitch, Mona."

"Right-o!" she replied.

As we drove on he said; "Well, I suppose you all know your stuff now, so I'll let you women out here." They got out and walked back in the direction from where we had just come from. The Brains then said to me; "The Boys will be along any time now."

By this time I was getting rather implicated in the job, so I began to think of a way out. I said to the Brains; "Better drive round till we come to an all night cafe, for a cup of tea, then I'll be all set for anything."

"Yes," he said. "I think I could do one too."

Escape

We soon arrived at a cafe, and the Brains said; "You go in first and I'll wait in the tub." So after a tea, I returned and sat in the car while the Brains went in. But as soon as he got out of sight, I slipped out of the car and ran around the corner.

I hailed a taxi and was so excited when the driver said, "Where to, sir?" that I answered, "Anywhere!"

He looked at me rather puzzled and as he was wasting time I shouted out; "Charing Cross as quickly as you can, I've a train to catch."

He drove off, but I was rather ill at ease in this taxi and before the meter came to a shilling I said; "Stop here, you're too slow." I got out and paid the fare. And although he looked at me as though he thought me a rum customer. I gave him a shilling tip, which changed his features altogether.

I strolled into the night and felt thankful to have seen what I had seen and at the same time to have escaped trouble.

**************************

Once I made up my mind to get a job and really make a career for myself. But I soon found this too difficult. This made me feel very bitter and I went out on the spree and spent all the money I had. After this I started on a racket with George, a pal of mine.

We took a small office in the West End, and put the following advertisement in the papers:

What Every Young Couple about to be Married should have. Illustrated, 2/6.

Then we sat back and waited for the money to roll in. It wasn't long before we were making £15 a week. For the 2s 6d we sent the gullible public a small illustrated Bible which cost us about fourpence. But a well known weekly paper got on our tracks, and wrote us up, calling us everything but gentlemen. So in three weeks we had to pack up and think of something else.

Soap Racket

This time we bought some ordinary yellow scrubbing soap. We had labels printed for it, describing it as "Rheumatic Healing Soap." This we advertised as follows; Wash Your Rheumatism Away.

We were soon selling it like hot cakes at one shilling a slab. But the joke of it was that people even wrote for more, saying what tremendous relief they had got from it. But all good things must come to an end, and so did the soap racket. We spent all the profits, got into debt, and could buy no more soap.

John Worby in the London Hospital after being beaten up by gangsters.


Friday, 17 July 2026

The Legend Of Cuddy Bell & Nanny Ogle (Mitford) by James Service 1834.

 

In days of yore, before the birth of order,
When rapine was the warden of the border;
When will was law, --- craft, wisdom, --- and strength,
                        right, ---
And the best plea for doing wrong was might!

Those good old times the poets love to paint,
When whip-cord and cold water made a saint,
And turbulence a hero; when the maid
Stabbed her betrayer - if she was betrayed.

Or, if the gentle suitor begged her love,
She sent him to the wars his faith to prove;
When all the honeyed words the lover spoke
Were far less moving than the heads he broke.

Then if he died, or stayed away too long,
The minstrels told his story in song;
And the fair lady stove her grief to smother
For one true love - by wedding another!

Aye! these were times indeed - when if a fair one
Had twenty lovers, yet she could not spare one,
But set them in a chamber all together,
Or in a yard (according to the weather);

Armed them with spears and cudgels, as the case was,
Mounted or not, as more or less the space was;
And he who in this struggle stood the longest,
Whose head was thickest or whose arm was strongest,

And best his rivals thumped or hacked pell-mell,
From every crown cracked champion bore the bell.
Oh! blessed age! oh! dear lamented times!
When theft and homicide were jokes, not crimes;

When burning peels and towns were acts of merit,
And deep revenge became a lad of spirit;
When every eye saw fairies, ghosts, and devils,
Frisk in the moonbeam in their midnight revels.

When Merley ruled in Morpeth's well kept castle,
And plundered and protected many a vassal,
Of one of them a fearful tale is told,
Which, if you dare to listen, I'll unfold.

He was a youth of grace in form and manners,
High Cuddy Bell - or Cuddy of the Stanners,
A study, home-spun, true Northumbrian yeoman,
Who neither fear'd the devil nor a foeman;

Scotchmen he drubbed, as drubbed St. George the dragon,
And loved one woman as he loved a flagon, ---
The daughter of the Parish Clerk of Mitford;
I'll sketch her portrait, though she did not sit for't

In person just below the middle size,
With dark brown hair, and black and sparkling eyes;
A pretty nose, ripe lips, and ruby cheeks;
That neatness, which a well turned mind bespeaks,
Graced her plump person - plump? - at least her bodice
Required tight lacing to make Nan a Goddess.

The Ruins of Mitford Church 1832

One night, when fierce December's drifting snow
Whitened the towers above - the ground below,
When the keen blasts alternate roared and howled,
And thro' the hall strange fire bronzed shadows scowled,

There, midst the wardens, while the black jack danced
Merrily round, had Cuddy sat entranced,
And still had sat, nor cared to sleep a wink,
While tales were yet to tell, or draughts to drink.
But churlish duty roused at length his hosts
From cup and jest, and tales of blood and ghosts,
And sent them growling to their several posts.

Then forth must Cuddy, right reluctant, hie,
To brave and tender mercies of the sky;
And then - oh then! - to love and Nanny true,
Towards Mitford's town with timeless steps he drew.

Of blood and ghosts, I say, their tales had been,
Of wild shrieks heard and hideous faces seen!
Of forms from new made graves beheld to rise,
Grim fleshless things that glared with stony eyes!

Of dancing devils, gibbering and grinning
At wights less prone to praying than to sinning;
And elves and spirits that oft, at midnight's hour,
O'er righteous men themselves have fearful power.

No marvel then that Cuddy held his way,
Brimful of horrors, as a rustic may,
And heard a thousand demons in the woods,
And in the Wansbeck's redly rushing floods.
Sore was the conflict, none, methinks, may doubt,
'Twixt ghastly terrors and sublime brown stout.

Newminster Abbey, early 19th Century.
But when our hero reach'd at length the place
Where the Newminster rear'd its hoary face,
What was his joy to find his Nanny wait,
In such a night, his coming at the gate!

He clasped Nanny gently to his breast,
And fiercely kissed, and boorishly carest.
In vain the tempest work'd its furious will,
The raptured lovers kissed and wander'd still,

And reached at length the foot of the dark hill,
On the south bank above the abbey mill;
And just as glared the castle beacon's gleam,
A dread voice thundered from the rushing stream,

And, "Come, Diablo!" it loudly cried,
And Nanny whisked from Cuddy's shuddering side,
And straight the form, so beautiful before,
A demon's horns, and tail, and talons wore! 

Full in his face she laugh'd with fiendish spite,
And would have torn his eyes out if she might;
But on and fast sped Cuddy like the wind,
And left his phantom sweetheart far behind.
"Oh! Mary! mother!" - thus the frighted swain,
Roar'd to the virgin, - "this was kindly parried;
Thank God, I've found her out before we married."




Friday, 10 July 2026

The Blockhouse - A Ballad by Coldstreamer (Harry Graham).

Jocelyn Henry Clive "Harry" Graham (1874 - 1936) was a Lieutenant in the Coldstream Guards, he served in the Second Boer War where he was promoted to Captain. He had already had published two books (Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, and Little Miss Nobody) before his "Ballads of the Boer War (1902)" from which this verse originates from. He went on to become a journalist and boast a long list of published works.

'Ere am I in a Block'ouse,
Like a 'ornet under a glass;
Nothin' to do but sentry-go,
H'up an' down, an' to an' fro,
Watchin' the trains pass.

'Ere am I in a Block'ouse,
Full fed up with the game;
Stuck 'ere now five months an' more,
Never a 'undred yards from the door,
And h'every day the same!

Smoke? I've smoked myself silly;
And read till I couldn't see;
But I ain't no scholard like some, no fear,
An' the sort o' reading they sends us 'ere
Is a bit too stiff for me.

I misses my daily paper,
An' my 'alf-an'-'alf out 'ere;
You can 'ave my tot o' ration rum
An' my share o' the magazines as come,
For a Star an' pint o' beer.

Last week we'd a sack o' papers,
An' what do you think h'I got?
A copy o' Punch (as I can't abide,
'Cos they 'ides the jokes so far inside
That I misses the blooming lot),

A couple o' Daily Graphics,
Which was good, if they wasn't new,
An' a 'opeless sort of magazine
With the longest words as h'ever I seen,
Called the National Review.

Still I was fairly lucky,
For Dick, -- 'e's our 'eavyweight,
'Ad a dozen copies o' Woman's Chat,
With "Seven ways for to trim a 'at"
An' a "Supplement Fashion Plate!"

Joe got a h'Athenaeum
Which 'e never even tried,
A couple o' numbers of Sporting Tips,
A Weekly Times an' a 'Alfpenny Snips,
And a Bradshaw's Monthly Guide.

Bless you! I ain't no grumbler,
I'm only a-'aving my fun;
I'm only grateful enough, Gawd knows, an' yet
I misses my weekly P'lice Gazette
An' my h'extry special Sun.

'Ere am I in a Block'ouse,
One of thousands more;
Same old dooties, rain or shine,
Watchin' the same old bit of line
For the same old Brother Boer.

'Ere I sweats in the daytime,
'Ere I freezes at night;
Same old game, week in week out,
Same old Kopjes round about,
An' the same wire fence in sight.


H'Always the same old business,
With the same old false alarms;
Some poor h'ignorant volunteer
Fires his gun in a Block'ouse near
An' we 'as to "stand to arms!"

Natives out in the sangers
Blazing away all night;
They knows well what they 'ave in store
If they're caught alive by the friendly Boer
An' they means for to make a fight.

Then there's the blooming "Brethren,"
An' a lively noise they make;
'Ide in a donga out o' sight
Snipin' the sentries 'alf the night,
An' keeping us all awake.

Three A.M. an' the veldt's astir,
An' the cocks begin to crow,
An' I 'arks to the "'onk" o' the Native crane
Till it's time for the morning water train
Or some more o' the sentry go.

H'I'm one o' the "Royal Fed-ups,"
More than earnin' my pay;
This 'ere is a job for the C.I.V.*
H'or the bullionaires o' the P.A.G.*
As is getting five bob a day.

*City of London Imperial Volunteers.
*Prince Alfred's Guard.

Sometimes a local paper
Drops as a train rolls by,
An' I reads of a "Capture of Yeomanry"
Or "More surrenders of D.M.T."*
An' "Give me a 'orse!" sez I.

*District Mounted Troops.

We're h'only regular soldiers
On a blooming bob a day,
But as good as them h'amatoor M.I.*
As well - an' better'n they!

*Mounted Infantry.

For what you h'asks at present
Is more than my shillings worth,
An' it ain't my bloomin' idea at all
O' what Mister Kipling likes to call
The "Gawdliest life h'on earth!"

Give me a 'ard days trekking!
Give me a bit of a scrap!
H'Open veldt an' a bivouac fire
Is 'eaven compared to this cage o' wire,
Where I feels like a rat in a trap.

Lor! but the time goes tejus,
'Owever so 'ard you try
To read the news as is six months old,
To drink biled water as won't get old,
An' wave as the train pass by.

Somebody 'as to do it!
'Tisn't for me to whine;
But it does me good for to 'ave a "grouse"
As I sits in this bloomin' Bee'ive'ouse
A-guarding the Western Line.

Some day, as I don't doubt it,
The end o' the show will come;
Meanwhile we're doin' the best we can,
An' 'ere (thanks be!) comes the ration man,
"Roll up for your tot of rum!"


Friday, 3 July 2026

Skazanie Drakule Voivode, Elfrosin - St Petersburg 1490

An illustration from the original manuscript.

The Russian Dracula manuscript, the "Сказание о Дракуле воеводе" or "The Tale Of Dracula The Voivode" was written in 1490 by the monk Elfrosin, this was transcribed from an earlier text dated around 1486. In this version of Dracula's reign he is seen more as a strict but fair ruler than the psychopathic despot of the German Dracole Waida. The manuscript is now kept in the National Library of Russia in St. Petersburg.

This translation comes from the Romanian "Vlad Tepes: Naratiunile Germane Si Rusesti Asupra Lul" by Ioan Bogdan, published in Bucharest in 1896, the language was a little awkward in places, so I have taken the liberty of amending where I thought appropriate. 



The Story of Dracula.


About The Wallachian Voivode.

There was a Voivode in Wallachia, a Christian by Greek law, with the name Dracula in Latin, and in our Russian language, the devil; and he was evil in his life, like his name.

1. Once some messengers came to him from the Turkish emperor; after they had entered and bowed to him according to their custom, without taking off their hats, he asked them: "why do you behave like this? You came to a great Lord and you subject me to such shame?"

And they responded, "Such, Master, is the custom of our land."

He said to them, "Then I want to strengthen your custom." And he commanded that their caps be nailed to their heads with small metal spikes. And he released them and said, "Go and tell to your master that if he is accustomed to suffer humiliation from you, we are not used to it. And let him not send his custom to other rulers, who do not want to have it, but let him keep it to himself."

2. The emperor, angered by these messengers, went to war against Dracula, taking against him great military power. He (Dracula) gathered all his army that he had near him and he struck them overnight and slaughtered a multitude of Turks; but with such smaller numbers, his forces could not stand up against the Turkish horde, and he retreated from battle.

He (Dracula) began looking at his own men, whoever was wounded in the front he honoured and bestowed gifts and advancement, those wounded in the back were impaled like scoundrels. And when he set out again against the Turk, he said to his army, "who ever thinks of death, let him not go with me, let him stay here." The emperor, hearing this, turned back with great shame, and thus losing many men, he would not go against Dracula.

3. Once the Turkish emperor sent a messenger to give him a tribute. Dracula treated the messenger well and showed him all his possessions, and said to him "I not only want to give the emperor his tribute I want to enter into his service; you can tell the emperor that I will go to him, so that he will give an order over all his country, that neither I nor my people should be harmed; I will come immediately after you."

The emperor, hearing this from his messenger that Dracula wants to come and serve him, rejoiced at this, because he was just at war with the emperors and countries of the east; he quickly sent word through the cities and villages, that wherever Dracula would pass, they should not do him any harm, but everywhere he should be received with honour.

And he, after travelling for five days through the Turkish country, with his army and Turkish wardens, he suddenly turned without warning and began to plunder the cities and villages, and he made many prisoners and slaughtered some of them by sawing in half, impalement, others he had burned, he did not even spare the babies from their mothers breasts.

All the country through which he passed he devastated and many christians, who had been captured and held in Turkish captivity, he returned to his country, and he made much booty; and after he had feasted the Turkish wardens, he let them go, saying; "go and tell the emperor what you saw; as much as I could, I served him; if my service will be of use to him, I will gladly serve him again." The emperor, overcome with shame, did him no harm.

4. Dracula was so feared in his country, for he did not suffer any evil to be done, whether theft, rape or injustice, whoever did these things, did not remain among the living for any length of time. Whether he was a priest, a farmer or a common man; and no matter how rich someone was, he could not escape death.

In a certain place there was a spring of cold and sweet water, and people from many places came to that spring to drink the water. Dracula had made a golden cup, large and beautiful, and placed it near that spring, and all who drank from that golden cup put it back in its place, for fear of punishment no one dared to lay a hand on it as long as he lived.

5. About women. If any woman proved unfaithful to her husband, he ordered them to cut out her shame, and her skin to be tied to a pillar in the middle of the market; he did the same with those who did not protect a girls virginity; he cut off the breasts off widows, and again he impaled them through their vaginas with red hot irons until it came out through their mouths; in this state he them kept them until their flesh fell off them.


6. About messengers. Dracula had such a custom that if a messenger came to him from any place, whether from the emperor, whether from a king or a prince, and did not know how to behave properly and answer his cunning questions, he would put him in a cell, saying to him; 

"I am not the cause of your death, and neither you nor your master have anything to say against me; for if your master knew that you were a stupid and unlearned messenger, and despite this he sent you to me, to a very wise lord, then your master killed you. And if you yourself dared to come, without having learned anything beforehand, then you yourself killed you."

And so for the messengers he would make large stakes, oil, and impale them, and to their masters he would send word of this deed.

7. From the Hungarian King Matthias came to him once a messenger, Leah of noble birth and a strong man. Dracula ordered him to sit with him at the head of a table in the middle of the impaled bodies. Before him was a stake, large, thick and tall, he asked the messenger: "Tell me, why did I make a stake like this?"

The messenger with great fear answered: "Master, my opinion is this, some powerful man will have sinned before you and you want to give him a more honourable death than the others."

Dracula then said to him, "you have spoken rightly, you are the great messenger of the great Lord, this stake is made for you." And he answered saying, "If I have done anything worthy of death, do what you will with me, master. You are a just judge, and not you, but I myself have caused my death."

Dracula then smiled and said, "If you had not answered me thus, you would have ended up on this very stake." And with much honour and gifts he sent the messenger on his way, saying, "You may go without fear with my message, others should not dare to come until they first learn how to speak to their betters."

8. Once Dracula was feasting under the bodies of a forest of dead people, whom those around him he had had impaled. He ordered that, whenever and wherever an evoy came to him, the envoy had to sit there with his back to the table and fulfill his mission, and he would sit in the middle of the impaled. A servant of his was sitting before him and, unable to bear that stench, he wrinkled his nose and turned his head to one side. Dracula asked him: "why do you do that?"

"Master, I cannot bear this stench." Dracula then immediately ordered him to be impaled and said to him, "You are up there where the stench will not reach you."

9. Once he gave orders throughout his country, saying: "Whoever is old or sick with something or lame, blind, or whatever disease he is afflicted with, let everyone come to me, so that I may make them all happy." And all the helpless, the poor without number gathered to him, expecting from him who knows what great mercy. And he built a large house and gathered everyone there and he gave orders to give them good food and drink. 

After they had eaten and were merry, Dracula came to them and said, "What do you want from me?" They all answered him, "Master, do as God advises your Majesty." He then said to them, "If you wish, I will make you happy on this earth, and you will lack nothing." And they, expecting much from him, all answered, "We will, master."

Then he ordered the house closed up and then set on fire, and to the boyars he said, "Do you know why I did this? It was in order that it may not fall on the heads of other people to be robbed by beggers, and that no one in the country be poor, but that everyone may be rich. Second, I have freed myself, so that no one in this world may suffer from poverty or illness."

10. Once two Latin monks came to him from the Hungarian country for alms; he ordered them to be separated from each other and called one to him and showed him around the courtyard, an innumerable crowd of people impaled on stakes, then Dracula asked him, "Is what I am doing correct in the eyes of God?"

The monk answered him, "No, master, you are doing evil by torturing and killing without mercy. Masters should be merciful men, and all who are on stakes have died a martyr's death." 

Then calling the other monk, he asked him the same question, and he answering said, "You, master, are appointed by God to punish with death those who do evil and to reward with mercy those who do good, these people have done evil and have received their reward according to their deeds."

Dracula then called the first monk and said to him, "Why are you leaving your monastery and your cell to go to the great rulers, knowing nothing? But since you yourself said that they are martyrs, I want to make you a martyr too." And he ordered him to be impaled. 

The other one he ordered to give him 50 gold pieces, saying to him, "You are a wise man," and he also ordered him to be released with honour and to be taken by cart to the Hungarian land.


11. Once a merchant from the Hungarian country came to the city and, leaving his cart, according to the king's order, in the street in front of the palace, and putting his goods in the cart, he went to sleep in the palace. When someone passed by the cart, he took 160 gold pieces from a bag.

The merchant went to Dracula and told him about the loss of the gold. Dracula answered him, "Go, tonight we will find the gold." And he ordered all the people in the city to search for the thief, because if they did not find the thief, the whole city would be destroyed; and he ordered all the money to be put in the cart overnight, with one more gold piece.

The merchant, getting up in the morning, found the gold and counted it twice, counted it three times and found one more gold piece. Then he went to Dracula and said to him, "Master, I have found the gold, but with one more gold piece."

Then he brought out the thief with all the gold to show him, and said to the merchant, "Go in peace, if you had not confessed to me the extra gold piece, I would have ordered my men to put you with this thief on stakes."

12. Once, walking along the road, he saw a poor man wearing an unwashed and torn shirt, and Dracula asked him, "Do you have a wife?" He replied, "I have one, master." Dracula then said to him, "Take me to your house." And going and seeing that his wife was young and healthy, he asked the man, "Have you sown flax?" He replied, "Master, I have plenty," and showed him the flax. 

Then Dracula said to the woman, "Why are you lazy towards your husband? Your husband has to sow, plough and feed you, as such you should make clean and worthy clothes for your husband, but you do not even want to wash his shirt, although you are healthy in body; you are to blame, not your husband." And he ordered her hands to be cut off, and her body to be impaled.

13. He had craftsmen make him iron boxes, he put his gold in them and buried them in a secret place, then he killed the craftsmen, so that no one would know what he had done, he was truly a devil.

14. Once the Hungarian King set out with an army against Dracula; he went against the King and they met and fought, and they captured Dracula alive, for he was handed over by his
own people, who had rebelled against him. He was brought before the King, who ordered him to be thrown into the dungeon of Vysegorod (1), four miles upstream from Buda, on the Danube.

He kept him there for 12 years, and then in the Wallachian country he put in another voivode. While he was in the dungeon, he did not leave his bad habits there either, but catching mice
and buying birds from the market, he tortured the mice by impaling them, and the birds by cutting their necks and letting them go with their feathers plucked out. And in the dungeon he learned to sew and with this craft he made a living.

15. Finally, King Matthias took him out of prison and brought him to Buda and gave him a house in Pest, opposite Buda. He had not yet been to the King, and it happened that a criminal escaped and entered Dracula's house; the one who chased him found him there, but Dracula, taking his sword, jumped out and cut off the head of the guard who was holding the thief. He then let the thief go; the others fled and came to the King to tell him what had happened.

The King sent for him to ask why he had done this, and he answered thus, "I have done no wrong, he only killed himself, entering like a robber into the house of a great lord; if that guard had come to me and I had found the thief in the house I would have given him to the guard and the guard would have escaped death." The King and all his people began to laugh heartily at this.

16. When the voivode of the Wallachian country died, the King sent for Dracula to come to the palace, to tell him that if he wanted to be voivode in the Wallachian country, as before, then he should accept the Latin law; and if not, he would die in prison. 

Dracula then loved the temporal things more than the eternal things, he renounced Orthodoxy and moved away from the truth, he left the light and accepted darkness. The wretched man could not bear the hardships of being a prisoner, and he prepared for himself endless
torment, the wicked one, for he abandoned the Christian, Greek and Orthodox law, and accepted Latin paganism. 

And the King gave him not only the rule of the country of Wallachia, but also his good sister as a wife, with whom he had two sons, living with her for about 10 years and dying in pagan law.

17. The end of Dracula was thus: while he was living in the country of Wallachia, Turks came upon that country and began to plunder and take prisoners. He struck them and the Turks began to flee, and Dracula's army cut them down without mercy, Dracula then climbed a hill, for joy to see how they cut down the Turks. Then a group of men from his army, believing him to be a Turk, rushed upon him and one struck him with a spear; he, seeing that he was attacked by his own, struck five of his murderers to death, but they pierced him with many spears until they killed him.

18. The King took his sister and her two sons back to the Hungarian land at Buda; one lives near the King, another was with the bishop of Bor-don (2) and died not long ago; the third, the eldest, named Michael, I saw also in Buda; he had fled from the Turkish emperor to the King, still unmarried, the King gave him a girl as a wife.

And Stefan, the voivode of Moldavia, with the King's will, appointed as voivode in the Wallachian country a certain Vlad, the son of a voivode; this voivode Vlad had been alone as a small child, then a priest and abbot in a monastery, he ascended to the throne of the Wallachian country; he married and lived a short time, for Stefan killed him and took his wife, and now another Vlad, a hermit, reigns in the Wallachia country.

An illustration from the original manuscript.

(1) Russian form for Vysegrad, Visegrad.

(2) This is what it says in the Russian original. This is probably the city of Vidin, which in contemporary Hungarian documents was called Bodon, there was also a Catholic bishop there.

On the original manuscript the page after the Tales of Dracula someone has written on the parchment in German. It is written in Early Modern German (or Early New High German) which dates between 1350 to 1650, so it could easily have been written soon after the manuscript was completed in 1490.

This curiosity, that I have not seen translated or even mentioned before, translates thus;

"It came out of Wallachia
thus rode into the land of the Turks.
The Turks came to disgrace
and were slain
and marched against
Dracula of Wallachia."